It seems like my time throughout this deployment I've either been on extreme highs or extreme lows. I'm not sure I've found middle ground. The days have either been the greatest of my life or days that I pray are over before they even get started.

Each day I wake up with the thought of "I'm one day closer." One day closer to seeing his face, holding his hand and having our life back on track. But yet, there has been so many days where I have woken up and thought, "this is it, this is the day that will break me." And every single day I've fought that mentality. And I've won. Every day I keep pushing on, I keep breathing and I keep living.

I've learned so much about myself with-in these last 8 months. I've learned that I'm an amazingly compassionate person, and completely insecure. I find that I validate myself through others opinions of me, and quite frankly it pisses me off, but I'm not sure how to fix it. I've learned that I love life. I love to laugh and I love to see a smile that I've put on someone else's face. I've learned that my temper will inevitably be the death of me. I've learned that I have a problem with keeping a filter on my mouth and that not everyone really needs to know what I think about them. I've learned that I can go to school, I can work a man's job and I can survive. I can live the day to day life with him 10,000 miles away. I can live through the hurts and the loneliness. And I can love him with my whole heart and never have to question it. I've learned that I can be classy and sophisticated. And I can throw down and cuss like a trucker. I've realized that my loyalty is fierce and sometimes I love just too hard. Throughout this deployment, I've learned that the people in life who matter the most to me, could actually care less about me. I've lost a lot of friends, and lost a lot of family. And it's okay. I'm okay with it, because those people who brought drama and negativity into my life. I'm happy where my life is. I like where I am.

The only thing I could ask for would be to have my husband here, by my side. I have realized that I've lost myself completely in him. He is the highlight of my days. He makes me so utterly and completely happy. I've had some mixed emotions about our relationship and a whole lot of worries. But now I know, it's completely normal. What we have is amazing, and it's solid. He leans on me just as much as I lean on him. He finds comfort and peace in me, just as I do in him. And those are the feelings that I needed the most. To simply know, I'm not alone. Being married is one of the greatest feelings in the world. The fact that I know that I permanently have someone in my corner keeps me going.

You can't really smile, unless you've shed some tears.